So let's bring back our.
Good old e Albert Ellis one of my lifelong heroes looking over my shoulder makes me feel really confident
as I share with him as a show with you.
One of his probably most most famous teachings Albert Ellis was quite an interesting guy.
If you've ever watched them or you come across them or read any of his materials if North I'm going
to strongly urge you to do a little bit of research.
Yes some of the ideas may seem a little bit extreme but to be honest with you I just saw real life.
All right.
Well Albert came up with was a list of 13 unhelpful beliefs that many people operate out of in life.
All right.
No.
Look at I look at I articulate I'm being right here.
I'm not just saying their beliefs that people have in life is beliefs that people operate out of.
All right.
If you really want to understand what a person believes in life if you want to know what a person believes
in life if as a life coach you want to be able to identify the most effective questions that you can
ask clients to address the unhelpful limiting beliefs that they may have.
Look at their behavior.
Look at how they behave.
Look at who they are around people.
Look at how they relate to others and behaviors are a great indication of which a person believes.
All right.
So what to build upon that idea that a shared just in that last video about people pleasing behavior.
You know some people go through life and they'll do their best to win the approval and the validation
and they want to be accepted they want to be loved they want to be the center of attention all of the
time.
You don't really need people.
You know sometimes we might refer to them as cling ons things like that cling ons on the starboard.
Some people operate out of this limiting self belief that I must do well on I must be approved of everyone
or I am not a good person.
All right.
No it's not that people are going to tell you this.
It's not like you're going to have a conversation with your clients as this.
Tell me what do you believe about yourself.
What do you believe about how you must relate to other people because our beliefs are nine times out
of ten often unconscious beliefs.
All right.
So we're operating out of the beliefs are kind of simmering away beneath the surface.
So as life coaches as our role to identify what the limiting beliefs are that our clients are or are
operating out off so we can question them so we can interrogate them we can use Socratic questions and
things like that to start imploding them and tearing them down.
Why for what purpose to set people free.
They're right.
What I'm going to boldly suggest right now is that the greatest prisons that keep people enslaved in
life are not built and made up off breeze blocks and cast iron and all of that sort of thing.
They're actually just the beliefs that we subscribe to the ideas that we buy into which are just a whole
floor of validated thoughts or I or or opinions.
If a person has been deprived of intimacy or affection through the younger stages and periods of their
life just link back to the Maurice Marcy three periods model from the last video that a person has as
hard to.
To Aaron the affection off their parents i.e. you know parents say things like you know and you know
if you if you do this you will be good if you do that you will be you will be good and if you do this
you get my affection my affection is granted conditionally and if you behave the way that I want you
to behave.
All right.
When we do know extant people or children unconditional acceptance in life then they come to learn that
acceptance must be errand.
And guess what.
All people all of the time want to be unconditionally accepted.
Think about what unconditional acceptance as well unconditional acceptance is us being accepted unapproved
off by another person without us having to do anything.
All right.
Now this may sound like a like funny idea.
Some people might be saying right.
No bet Kane Trust must be earned and I'm going to agree with that.
So yes trust must be earned but trust is not unconditional acceptance.
Trust is generally going to be attitude actions and behaviors based whereas unconditional acceptance
is about us unconditionally the person who the person is.
Now it is possible for us to unconditionally accept people whilst being completely dismissive of their
attitudes on their habits their behaviors especially if they are unhelpful or destructive or damaging
or dishonoring by nature.
All right.
So as life coaches we want to get very very good as separating people either core of who they are from
their attitudes and their genes and their behaviors and their beliefs and all all that kind of stuff
because believe it or not some people will come through your doors as a life coach on there they're
even going to try to save what you think they you want them to say all right.
To try and please you there's going to be some clients who come through your door who are going to look
up to you kind of like a role model or a parent they're going to want you to fill a void or a deficit
that they have in their life.
And as a coach if we are to fall into this this is going to bring about massive transference and counter
transference issues which is all to do with how we relate to people can can redo a relationship and
the trust in our relationships and some serious damage.
So it's important that if we are to come across or experience any attitudes or or behaviors from a client
especially who's trying to please us or trying to really impress us we we address it.
All right.
We can use a couple of communication skills or Shirley throw on one called immediacy where we're just
simply saying what we see but I'll demonstrate this later.
And the communication skills section of the course.
But this is one massive limiting belief that many people operate out off to you.
And if so if not how do you even know the second belief.
Albert Ellis suggested whole people back in life is this and other people must treat me nice unfairly
or else they are barred.
No.
Think about how many people you know who actually operate out of this.
All right.
Think about it.
Think about how many conversations you've had with family members or friends or associates or colleagues
at some point in the past.
And when someone says or does something to us though we don't like it.
We get out we get offended we get angry.
The other person is suddenly really really bad because they are not treating us the way that we want
to be treated.
They're not treating us nicely.
They're not giving us everything that we want to get.
It's a little bit immature isn't it.
If you think about it but many people live and operate out of this belief.
All right.
And this kind of gives birth to this attitude of entitlement.
All right I've mentioned this in the last section of the course as well where people genuinely believe
that they are entitled to the world their society their family their bosses their managers revolving
around them.
And this most certainly is just never the case it really breeds an attitude of disempowerment.
All right.
I must have an easy happy life or I cannot enjoy living at all.
How many people do you know that go through life just pursuing happiness.
I just want to be happy.
I want to be healthy I want to be happy and what happens when people don't feel happy.
Well we end up feeling sad and what happens when some people feel sad.
Well they end up going to the doctors against the medication.
How does that serve them.
Well it doesn't.
Right.
Some people end up on medication for an entire lifetime.
All right.
Because they never learn how to self regulate.
But think of this belief.
I must have an easy.
Happily for I cannot enjoy living at all.
No I don't know about you but the thought of having an easy life would bore me to tears.
I don't want an easy life.
I like to grow wiling to tackle complex challenges and I love the fulfillment that comes about when
I just accomplish something or achieve something that I didn't think I was capable of accomplishing
or achieving.
But the many people coming from a place of apathy.
All right.
Really.
Buy into this idea.
I must have an easy life.
Perhaps someone somewhere a hero is going to come into my life and just saw everything for me so I'll
just wait patiently.
Do very very little.
And when I don't get the outcomes and the results that I want in my life I feel sad.
All right.
And if I can link all of these ideas these beliefs back to the.
The cause and effect principle.
All right.
Every single one of these beliefs is the cause of our actions or attitudes or behaviors our actions
or attitudes and behaviors are always going to be the effect of a prior cause.
So as life coaches we always want to be dealing with causes that we will know to be unhelpful limiting
beliefs I'm entitled to everything that I feel and think that I'm entitled to.
All right.
My way is the highway I can't understand why the whole world doesn't just want to revolve around me.
All right.
No let's look at children.
Let's look at young children.
When a young child wants what he or she wants and then has a little temper tantrum when he or she doesn't
get what he or she wants when he or she wants it and then little children become fully grown adults
her face not learning how to or haven't yet learned how to self regulate and behave in a more mature
manner.
So sometimes we can mature in terms of our thinking but if our beliefs don't mature then you know this
becomes Are our default mode.
It's important to understand that the process of growing up in life isn't about building your biceps.
It's not about becoming more skilled or talented.
It's about growing up.
And I would say off the limiting beliefs that with the fella back when we're young And if you're looking
at these these ideas you're probably thinking oh my goodness they're really quite infantile.
Well of course they are because to beliefs get developed.
They get developed between not to 7 7 13 14 21 when we are young when we don't know any better.
And guess who it is is developing these beliefs.
It's not like a person is going to come to you know come to us or are parents going to say right son.
Here are your beliefs.
I'm going to give you your beliefs right now.
These are the beliefs you're going to have for the rest of your life.
These are the right beliefs to believe.
No one does that.
Our beliefs are just our interpretations of our life's events and our relationships and because we're
all capable of jumping to the wrong end of the stick.
Can you see how it is that we we don't want to be hard on people when they act and behave in an appropriate
defensive childlike ways is just how they have learned.
All right.
It's not like anyone gets up a bed in the morning with the intention of going and sabotaging the relationships
or or heart and people are harming people or anything like this.
It's just people have some pretty unhelpful beliefs that they operate up on out of.
And guess what but a person's beliefs will always seem right in their eyes.
When a person gets defensive.
Right.
What is it that people strive to defend the most in life their beliefs.
Why.
Because the beliefs are the foundations that we are building and basing our life on is the best that
we have.
It's all that we've got.
So guess what happens when you enter into a conversation with someone and you say what you believe is
wrong your whole way of living life is wrong.
I can't believe how wrong you are.
My way is the right way your way is the wrong way you believe was what sort of embassy would come up
with a you know an ideal a.
When we dismissal of a person and a person's beliefs we are completely undermining and belittling the
interpretation of their entire set of life events and experiences and when a call is completely dishonor
and because we all are on exactly the same journey in life we're all interpreting life's events as we
will and we're all arriving at completely different assumptions and what I would suggest is that our
beliefs are just glorified assumptions you with me I must be a high achiever and I must accomplish much
or else I'm a worthless person.
Oh my goodness this one resonates with me so much.
All right.
At some point throughout my younger years I learned that I was a completely worthless individual and
I'm being straight with you.
All right.
This is still a chain a noose that I have a Roman act today.
All right I'll find myself up points striving trying to create things trying to make a difference.
I'm trying to do this and try and do that I'm trying to help people.
Why.
Because I desperately just want to be worth something.
All right.
No I know.
On an intellectual level I know through my experience and know through my studies through the coaching
that the belief that I operate out off is limited saying I know that is not true.
I understand the value.
I know I'm a I'm a valuable individual but unfortunately our beliefs often operate as kind of like ghosts
from the past.
Every now and again rear their ugly head come back and bite us.
Does it matter how much work we do on ourselves or until we know the extent and the whole truth of what
it means to be alive and what it means to be human.
And we're still gonna be relying very heavily on our beliefs and all of our all of our beliefs are going
to be limited and limiting.
Bye bye.
By nature.
Have you ever met a perfectionist.
Have you ever met someone who's just attention to detail attention to detail to the point that they're
just it's kind of like they're just being completely anal General.
What I mean.
All right look at the belief they're operating off you're going to be able to see this.
No I must be a high achiever and I must accomplish must I must do excellent I must be perfect I must
get it right or else I'm a worthless person and it's not that this is true.
That's just what people believe is true.
No one should ever behave badly and if they do I should condemn them all right.
Could we give a reference to to relate to certain religious ways of thinking right.
No.
Why not.
All right.
What about the centers.
All right.
Your wrists and are your body your vest your bar type but the courts of law.
All right.
How about the court of law.
One of the greatest ironies I've ever come across.
I'm aware of is around the world.
You have courts of justice courts of law and you have judges all right who sit there and condemn men
and women for the crimes they commit.
And obviously some crimes are pretty bad crimes.
Some people do and behave in all sorts of really unhelpful cruel heartless ways.
But the greatest irony of the of the court judicial system is that imperfect people judge other imperfect
people for being imperfect.
All right.
And in the same way and we often operate as judges in the context of our day to day life as well don't
we.
You know more arriving at assumptions.
You know what we think a person's intentions are.
A person says or does something that we don't like because you know women harbor an easy happy life.
Other people must free us nice and fairly or else they are bad.
Well who is it that determines whether other people are good or bad or when we're getting what we want
from people of course people are good.
But when we're not getting everything that we want from people when everything's not going 100 percent
our way people are barred and then we become the judge the jury and the executioner.
No one should ever behave badly.
No one should ever do what I do and think they should be doing and if they do then you know they're
bad.
I should condemn them.
I should give this person a piece of my mind.
Have you ever heard anyone say that.
I've got a good mind to go and give this person a piece of my mind.
I'm going go tell them my opinion about why you think they are getting their life wrong you know a completely
undermining and not even acknowledging the fact that they're doing their very very best with the resources
that they have.
They're just operating out of an extremely unhelpful set of beliefs as well.
But us humans.
Isn't it true.
There is a lot easier to identify and point out imperfections in other people but it's not always so
easy to look at the imperfections within ourselves.
My goodness that must just make us all a bunch of hypocrites.
All right.
It does because this is how we operate as human beings.
Plus the old saying.
Not sure where this came from.
Maybe an old Chinese proverb or something like this.
And if you want to identify the speck in your friend's eye you got to first make sure that you've removed
the log out of your own eye so you can see the speck in your friendzone you just a little bit clearer.
And how I've kind of interpreted this over the years is that we so often thought we will look at people's
imperfections and we pinpoint them and all the rest of us we're focusing on other people's imperfections
were completely missing and completely overlooking all of our own flaws all of our own rotten attitudes
and habits.
Judgmental attitudes and all that sort of thing as well.
So if we want to be able to see other people clearly and accurately.
All right we've got to become self aware.
We've got to get aware of ourselves and this does tie back in with our last section of the Course an
idea self awareness comes first.
Self management comes second and then we're on social awareness social management if we want to influence
other people.
We can only do so effectively if we fast managed ourselves in this in this area.
So interesting stuff isn't it.